HOUSTON – To most people the Yankees went berserk with their free agent signings this offseason. But it appears Jacoby Ellsbury, Brian McCann and Carlos Beltran just weren’t enough – and we won’t know until Friday whether or not Masahiro Tanaka will deliver the goods.
After a deflating 6-2 loss in their season opener against the Astros last night, the Yankees announced today they have signed utility free agent slugger Gordon Shumway to a 5-year, $65 million deal. He is expected to play tonight.
Shumway, a native of the planet Melmac who most people recognize as “Alf” the alien life form, held a press conference this morning at Minute Maid Park and talked about how he plans on helping the Yankees pick up a winning attitude.
“I watched the games last year,” he said. “I saw how disappointing it was for the fans, so I decided it was time to get in the batting cages and start swinging. I found that, like most things, I was really good at baseball. A scout for the Yankees saw me playing against some Little Leaguers and said ‘we need ya, Alf ol’ boy!’ How could I say no to that?”
In that game vs. the Little League team, Alf hit three home runs and stole five bases on the way to a 10-0, mercy rule win in five innings. To say the least, he has plenty of confidence he will bring that type of energy to the Yankees.
“I knew I’d win that game,” Alf said. “Just like I know, with my skills, the Yankees will win the World Series this year. My real name is Gordon Shumway but everyone knows me by the nickname ‘Alf’ – and well, after the 2014 baseball season is complete, everyone will know me by three other letters: MVP.”
Alf brings a swagger to the Yankees like no one skipper Joe Girardi has ever seen.
“Not even Al (Alex Rodriguez) is as – I don’t want to say cocky – but as confident as Alf is,” Girardi said. “He certainly brings a different dynamic to the team that we need right now. We’re happy to have to have him here.”
General Manager Brian Cashman also drew a comparison between Alf and Rodriguez, though he expects no problems with the radical, rookie extraterrestrial.
“I had to tell A-Rod to shut up in my own way last year, only because he was mouthing off about things he couldn’t back up,” Cashman said. “I know I’m not going to have to tell Alf to shut up in an animated way, because I know he’ll back up every bit of what he says on the field and in the batter’s box.”
Alf foresees no troubles in the next five years, citing his only desire is to play ball and win it all.
“I just want to win, which we will because it’s all I do,” he said. “This season with the Yankees, all I can say is, no problem!”
Tonight’s starting lineup will include Alf. He will bat cleanup against the Astros and promised the fans back in New York he would hit not one, but two home runs to make up for, what he called, an “embarrassing” loss last night.
Another one of my ill-fated attempts at humor in a (belated) April Fool’s Day effort. You can check out some of my past foolish attempts here (Ted Danson/Paul O’Neill), here (Michael Pineda selling ice cream), and here (CC Sabathia playing Fat Albert).
Tonight – without the help of Alf – the Yankees look to pick up their first win of what will hopefully be a prosperous 2014 MLB season.
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