HOUSTON – To most people the Yankees went berserk with their free agent signings this offseason. But it appears Jacoby Ellsbury, Brian McCann and Carlos Beltran just weren’t enough – and we won’t know until Friday whether or not Masahiro Tanaka will deliver the goods.
After a deflating 6-2 loss in their season opener against the Astros last night, the Yankees announced today they have signed utility free agent slugger Gordon Shumway to a 5-year, $65 million deal. He is expected to play tonight.
Shumway, a native of the planet Melmac who most people recognize as “Alf” the alien life form, held a press conference this morning at Minute Maid Park and talked about how he plans on helping the Yankees pick up a winning attitude.
“I watched the games last year,” he said. “I saw how disappointing it was for the fans, so I decided it was time to get in the batting cages and start swinging. I found that, like most things, I was really good at baseball. A scout for the Yankees saw me playing against some Little Leaguers and said ‘we need ya, Alf ol’ boy!’ How could I say no to that?”
In that game vs. the Little League team, Alf hit three home runs and stole five bases on the way to a 10-0, mercy rule win in five innings. To say the least, he has plenty of confidence he will bring that type of energy to the Yankees.
“I knew I’d win that game,” Alf said. “Just like I know, with my skills, the Yankees will win the World Series this year. My real name is Gordon Shumway but everyone knows me by the nickname ‘Alf’ – and well, after the 2014 baseball season is complete, everyone will know me by three other letters: MVP.”
Alf brings a swagger to the Yankees like no one skipper Joe Girardi has ever seen.
“Not even Al (Alex Rodriguez) is as – I don’t want to say cocky – but as confident as Alf is,” Girardi said. “He certainly brings a different dynamic to the team that we need right now. We’re happy to have to have him here.”
General Manager Brian Cashman also drew a comparison between Alf and Rodriguez, though he expects no problems with the radical, rookie extraterrestrial.
“I had to tell A-Rod to shut up in my own way last year, only because he was mouthing off about things he couldn’t back up,” Cashman said. “I know I’m not going to have to tell Alf to shut up in an animated way, because I know he’ll back up every bit of what he says on the field and in the batter’s box.”
Alf foresees no troubles in the next five years, citing his only desire is to play ball and win it all.
“I just want to win, which we will because it’s all I do,” he said. “This season with the Yankees, all I can say is, no problem!”
Tonight’s starting lineup will include Alf. He will bat cleanup against the Astros and promised the fans back in New York he would hit not one, but two home runs to make up for, what he called, an “embarrassing” loss last night.
Another one of my ill-fated attempts at humor in a (belated) April Fool’s Day effort. You can check out some of my past foolish attempts here (Ted Danson/Paul O’Neill), here (Michael Pineda selling ice cream), and here (CC Sabathia playing Fat Albert).
Tonight – without the help of Alf – the Yankees look to pick up their first win of what will hopefully be a prosperous 2014 MLB season.
#NewDay #BeatTheDrum #AndHoldThePhone #TheSunCameOutToday
These days you can usually spot former Yankee right fielder and fan-favorite Paul O’Neill in the YES Network booth, making witty observations during broadcasts.
In the coming months, you’ll still see him on TV, but everyone – not just those watching Yankee games on YES – will know his name.
This afternoon it was announced that television network NBC is rebooting its hit show from 1982, Cheers – which O’Neill will be a part of. The man who the late, great George Steinbrenner once dubbed “The Warrior” will take on the role of Sam Malone, a character portrayed by actor Ted Danson in the original series.
The decision to pick up the role of a retired baseball player that runs his own bar was a no-brainer for O’Neill.
“I retired in 2001 after the World Series and I even thought about running my own bar when my baseball career ended because I didn’t know what was next,” O’Neill told the Associated Press earlier today.
“In a lot of ways I wanted my life to kind of be like Sam Malone’s life, from the show. He retired from the game and found something he loved to do. Now I can do the same. Of course on the show Sam was a pitcher and I played right field, so it’s a little different in that respect.”
Danson found success after Cheers, acting as the lead on the sitcom Becker, which ran from 1998-2004. He now works on CSI, seemingly landing hit role after hit role. Danson has seen some of O’Neill’s acting in the past, and the Emmy and Golden Globe award winner is proud to see someone carefree and fun-loving – like O’Neill – take up his mantle.
“I saw that episode of Seinfeld Paul was on in the ‘90s, and I laughed; I thought, right off the bat, he had a great sense of humor,” Danson told the AP. “I know he is perfect for the role, and I’m anxious to see how the new series is going to turn out and what direction all these wonderful characters are going to go in.”
O’Neill’s YES broadcast partner and good friend Michael Kay, albeit a bit shocked, expressed his congratulations.
“I’ve always thought Ted and Paul kind of looked a lot alike, but never would have thought in a million years this would happen,” Kay said.
“Paul is a pretty funny guy. In 2009 when the Yankees played the Red Sox in August, he sat up in the booth and ate peach yogurt when the game went into extra innings – on the air! Peach yogurt, on the air. That’s the type of personality he’ll bring to the Sam Malone character. I couldn’t be happier for him, I know he’ll do well.”
According to YES, O’Neill will work 30 games in the booth in 2013 before leaving to start filming the first season of the NBC series reboot. He will work alongside Jodie Sweetin (of Full House fame; she’ll play Diane Chambers, Shelley Long’s former character), Patton Oswalt (of King of Queens fame; he’ll play Norm Peterson, George Wendt’s former character), and David Faustino (of Married…with Children fame; he’ll play Woody Boyd, Woody Harrelson’s former character).
Roles for each of the other starring characters are still being cast.
With a new challenge ahead, plainly put, O’Neill is excited to get started.
“I can’t wait for the first table read,” he continued. “I can only hope I do as well on this sitcom as I did in right field. But I’m comfortable. I’m going where everybody knows my name.”
Cheers is expected to premier in October, the night after the World Series.
If you believed this for one second, you’re way too gullible. Yet I suppose there isn’t anything wrong with a little yellow journalism on April 1.
HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!
More importantly, HAPPY OPENING DAY!!!
#BeatTheDrum #AndHoldThePhone #TheSunCameOutToday
Yesterday the Yankees lost Michael Pineda to the disabled list. Today they lost him to Mr. Softee.
24 Hours after the Yanks learned their 23-year-old righty would start the 2012 season on the DL due to tendinitis, Pineda announced he is retiring from baseball to fulfill his lifelong dream of selling ice cream. The soreness in his throwing arm was too much for the young hurler to handle.
“My arm – it just really hurts,” Pineda told the media earlier today.
“I never really wanted to be a baseball player anyway. When I was a kid I saw a guy driving a big truck around, giving out ice cream to all the kids in the neighborhood. I knew right then that was what I wanted to do.”
The news came as a shock to Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman, who traded Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for Pineda on Jan. 13. The announcement stunned Cashman to the point of near speechlessness.
“I…really have no words because nothing like this has ever happened to us before,” Cashman said.
“I never would have thought this would transpire when I made the trade. I know many folks are critical of my work a lot of the time, and this time they have every right to criticize the move.”
Manager Joe Girardi is disappointed to see one of his young guns go, but at the same time is wishing Pineda the best in his new endeavor.
“We’re sorry Michael had to get hurt and we’re a little sad to see him go,” Girardi said.
“At the same time we’re really happy for him and hoping he becomes the Cy Young of ice cream sales. I know in my heart he has the ability to sell those frozen treats like no one else.”
Contrary to what many might think, Pineda has had experience in ice cream sales. When he was four, he owned his own ice pop stand on his front lawn. A hard-working merchant, Pineda would freeze lemonade, orange juice, and fruit punch in ice trays and sell assorted-flavored ice pops to his neighbors for a dime.
He eventually grew tired of watching the local ice cream man take his business, however, and began his aspirations of becoming an ice cream salesman.
“My friends would come to my stand, reach into their pockets, and right before I made a sale he would come into the picture,” Pineda explained.
“I would hear the ice cream man’s music start playing and my friends would run to him. All the money I would have made went to him. It was then I knew I wanted to do what he was doing and sell ice cream.”
Pineda has always loved ice cream. Growing up he cited mint chocolate chip as his number one favorite dessert. Cookie dough, strawberry, and sherbet are three other flavors he loved to eat after dinner – that is, if he finished his broccoli.
Yet Pineda’s absolute favorite was a specialty popsicle called a “Bubble Play” – a pink, icy delight made to look like a baseball glove with a gumball attached to the center of it.
“Bubble Play was my favorite, I loved to eat those” Pineda said.
“I don’t know if they make it anymore, but if they don’t I will get them to make it again. It’s a million dollar idea. I will make a million dollars in ice cream sales bringing back the Bubble Play.”
With his baseball career over, Pineda plans to start small. He will set up shop much like he did on his lawn 19 years ago. Only this time, his ice cream stand will be located outside Yankee Stadium. He is hoping to get hired someday by the Yankees and become a famous vendor inside the Stadium.
“I hope people know they can always come to me for ice cream,” Pineda said.
“I won’t ever be on the Yankee Stadium mound in front of everyone, but that’s OK. I just hope one day Mr. Cashman sees me and hires me to sell my tasty ice cream to the Yankee fans. I can at least contribute to the organization that way and make the fans happy.”
I haven’t written a fake article like this in awhile and felt I was long overdue.
Happy April Fool’s Day! 🙂